The Honeymoon Phase

My marriage is awesome.
Yes, there are moments that we don't really like each other and we disagree. There are times I wish he would put down the video game controller and stop talking to his friends across the country and talk to me. There are times he wishes I would stop asking for a cat and overreacting at his playful jabs. Overall, though, our marriage is really awesome. He's my best friend in the world, he's the funniest person I know, and he is incredibly patient and loving.

We've been married a short six months, and we find that we run into the same reactions over and over whenever we talk about our brand-new adventure of a marriage.

If we talk about how our marriage has been challenging and stretching and at times difficult, people tell us about how we haven't seen difficult yet. They tell us how we haven't been together long enough to even know what a fight can be like. Add our short marriage to our young age, and people basically assume we have never been through rough times.

If we talk about how our marriage has been wonderful, encouraging, inspiring and lovely, people laugh at us and tell us we're still in the "honeymoon phase" and we haven't even had time to have problems yet. They tell basically tell us that within a certain time frame, we will lose interest in each other, come to a place where things naturally decline and get a reality check

I'm pretty positive that the majority of these people don't mean any harm, but as a young newlywed, it's really hard to hear that things are going to get worse. Or that our struggles and hardships are not justified, not enough. Not enough bad. Not enough good. That's what we hear: that our marriage is not good enough.

The part that gets me the most is when people say we haven't been together long enough to say that we are truly happy. People have this assumption that the first couple months are supposed to be magical and the rest is just average. But as my beautiful friend Lauren pointed out to me (I love her wisdom), "God doesn't refer to the Church as the wife of Christ but the bride, implying that they are in the honeymoon stage FOREVER."

And I like that imagery. I like knowing that my honeymoon phase never has to end. God intended marriage to be a beautiful, wonderful, life-giving thing. He created me to share my life with Robert. He created my personality with Robert's personality in mind.

God didn't create marriage so that we would have a great first year together and then fall into a slump. He wants our marriage to always be the best relationship we experience on this earth. I'm so thankful to know that He desires for us to have an amazing, full of love, intimate bond that won't fizzle out just because we have a rough day.

If you're married, whether it's been for 6 months or 60 years, please be encouraged that the honeymoon phase never has to end.

Late Father's Day

So it's a couple days late, BUT there's no reason not to honor my dad when the opportunity is given.

I am extremely blessed.
I think my dad is one of the greatest men I have ever met.

He's funny, kind, and insanely generous. He makes me laugh harder than anyone (except for my husband). He always encourages me and lets me know that he loves being my dad. I have no doubt in my mind that he is delighted that I am his daughter. He has always taken care of me, and he has always been a strong presence in my life, even after my parents divorce.

I can tear up just thinking about how much I love my dad. I'm so thankful that God specifically chose him to be mine. It makes me sad to hear of people who have estranged or difficult relationships with their fathers because it's so clear that the relationship we have with our dads is meant to be special.

I wish I had more time to go home and get some older pictures of my dad when we were younger, but these will have to do.

I love my dad and can't imagine life without him.

Getting Enlightened

"i pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. that power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."
-ephesians 1.18-21

I've read this verse plenty of times before. It's even underlined in my bible. But it's one of those verses that I never fully grasped until I read it for the millionth time.

I think one of the things I struggle with the most is knowing the hope He has given me. Sometimes I'm so closed off from Him that I'm not allowing the "eyes of my heart" to really be opened to the wonderful things God has done for me.

If I'm being honest, sometimes I don't believe God likes me.

I mean, sometimes, I don't like me. So why should anyone else?

But today I'm praying that the eyes of my heart will be enlightened and opened up and I will truly see the hope that God has placed in front of me and filled my life with.

Because alongside hope there are riches and power. Not the kind used to run the world but the kind used to raise Christ from the dead. These things, this power, these riches, this hope--these are in me. 

I am able to overcome my fears and insecurities because His power is in me.
I am able to use my talent and my voice as an offering to Him because He has already given me His power and riches.
I am able to reach across boundaries and offer words of encouragement and advice from my heart because His hope is in me.

I love that Paul's prayer is that our eyes would be opened to see what is already there. He is not telling us to find these things or make them happen. He is only asking that we truly see the beauty of God before us. 

God's power is in me. The same power that raised Christ from the dead exists in my heart, in my spirit. My life is rich with His hope and His love, and there is nothing more I could ask for.

forgive me for being all over the place

There is so much going on in my brain that I need to sort out.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't done any real introspection since we got married. I think that's actually true.
Life has been such a whirlwind, and I haven't bothered to take the time to really dig in and think about everything that's going on. It's dangerous.

When I don't step back from my own life and really evaluate and process what's going on, that's when I start to flip out and bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other. A pendulum between inexplicably happy and mind-numbing despair. I am everywhere.

I let each day go by quickly, not taking time to soak it in and experience it. I avoid deep soul searching and only focus on the good things.

I've become so afraid of conflict and mess that I am only satisfied when there is something surface-level "good" happening.

I like my hands clean, my mind clear and my husband happy.
I don't like crawling through the muck to address the issues that are a part of my life every day.
There is a lot of muck in between where I am and where I want to be. A lot of crap to sort through. A lot of emotions to process. A lot of words to speak.

Lord, there is so much I haven't said to You.
There is so much I am trying to hide from You. So much I don't want to bother sharing with You.
I need You wholly, completely, undeniably.

I need You in my every day, my every breath.

I do not allow You to dwell in my every thought, so I struggle with anger and bitterness.
I do not allow You to dwell in my actions, so I look to makeup and material possessions to satisfy me.
I do not allow You to dwell in my words, so I speak harsh and quick, cutting others without even seeing it.

Through all of my confusion, I am not ungrateful.
I praise God today for:
-husband's silly laugh while he shoots teenagers and has fellowship with friends across the country via Call of Duty
-passion pit's weird music
-the strength of the rain that fell today. a deep storm always leaves me in awe
-reflection. the fact that just because i may be wandering a bit aimlessly now, it will not always be this way
-seeing prayer as something strong and powerful. fighting on someone's behalf and asking the Lord to bless and give.

Taking the Good and the Bad

Yesterday was a very up-and-down day.

I went to the dentist for the first time in yeeeears (collective gasps all around), and obviously got a horrible report on the condition of my teeth. Horrible, as in there is a root canal in my near future.

Needless to say, I cried a lot.
Well, it's needless if you've met me even a couple times.
I cry.. a lot.

BUT everyone at the dentist was very understanding of my irrational fear of pain and the unknown, and I actually walked away feeling very loved and cared for. How's that for a good dentist.

The whole situation left me feeling stressed, sore and extremely worried about money (we are currently uninsured), and I spent large portions of the day crying over one thing or another.
Thankfully my husband and my mother-in-law are not nearly as concerned as I am. Robert's mom is an amazing woman who has always been so great at taking care of us when we can't seem to get it together, and this is no exception. I can't explain how grateful I am for her.
And Robert of course is a wonderful, loving, encouraging man. While I cried about money woes, he spent time encouraging me and ensuring me that I am not a horrible gold-digger.

I think it's amazing when you can find someone who can make you feel like you are good enough just the way you are but also make you want to strive to be a better person. That's exactly what my husband does for me, without fail. So even though yesterday was full of bad news and bad teeth, I know at the end of the day that I have a husband who is willing to put aside worldly problems and build me up as a woman and a wife.

Love & Respect

We sit side by side, among our closest friends. We all showed up to hear the same message, though it pushes some together and tears some apart.
He and I, we inch closer and closer to each other until we are laid bare, open and vulnerable. Suddenly, without realizing it, we are seeing into each others heart. I am seeing into his mind, identifying his motives, understanding his words and actions. Every word has a new meaning, and I am struck with the idea that our arguments are much more about my own perspective than I had realized.

We walk away changed, encouraged and full of hope. We talk with our closest friends about the little things that we find joy in every day. We laugh for a solid hour, and by the end of the night we know we are stronger and more in love than we were before.

+ + +

We were very blessed to be able to hear from Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, the author of the book Love & Respect this week at our church. He spoke an incredibly powerful message on marriage and communication. I feel like Robert and I both took a lot away from it, and I'm so thankful that we go to a church where the pastor pours into us and brings in speakers with fresh perspective and powerful lessons.

Before and After

So we've been married and living in this apartment for almost 5 months now, and it's gone through various stages of clean and chaotic. Right now, overall, it's chaotic.

I'm weird about cleaning. I have to be in a very specific mood in order to really clean and organize well. So I guess last night I was in the right mood for bathroom organization.

My interest and attraction to makeup has grown so much in the past year. My collection is bigger than it ever has been. I really love makeup, but part of me is ashamed of how much I have. I even sat down last night and tried to get rid of some of the stuff I don't use or is really old. Anyway, here's the small amount of progress I made.

Before:

After:

Tada!!!