Life Update

Oh my gosh, there is so much happening in this little life of mine!

Instead of rambling on about whatever, I'll do one of these:



Obsessing Over: Going on a date tonight with my wonderful husband. We're going to dinner and to see Cabin in the Woods. I have not stopped hearing about this movie for the past 2 weeks, so it's on!

Working On: Reading Worship Matters by Bob Kauflin. I'm only a chapter in, and it's amazing. He is honest about the ever-present struggles of our hearts, and I think this book is going to change the way I see leading worship in general. I'm so blessed to be a part of a small group right now that is spending the next year focusing on being good stewards of our gifts and the church we're a part of. There is a ton of good stuff being crammed into my brain and heart right now. I love it.

Thinking About: How much more discipline I want to have. Can someone come kick me out of bed every morning at 6:15? Rob isn't volunteering for that role, but I really need some motivation.

Anticipating: Travel! We're flying to Arizona in a month to see Rob's cousin get married. That means 3 days of no work, just pure, hot, Phoenix-y goodness. I love flying. I love the smell of the airports and all the people and the excitement of going somewhere new. I've never been to Arizona before. We're going to take a day and go to Sedona and just explore. I can't wait!

Listening To: Just my typing and the dripping of water through a hole in our ceiling. I was listening a few minutes ago to an NPR interview with Hugh Laurie.  Oh and now I'm listening to a Glee version of "Without You." Ohmygosh, so good.

Drinking: Mountain Dew right now, though I know it's terrible. I'm also trying to get through 4 bottles of water today, but we'll see...



Wishing: That the "bold" button didn't just break...
Other than that, I'm not wishing for much. I'm so thankful for where I'm at right now. After a long time of spiritual sleep, I'm finally opening my eyes to God's hand on my life, and He is so good. His presence is good. He is shaping me so much, and I'm finding how much better everything is when I work with Him instead of expecting Him to do it all without me.

On Dreaming

 from messycanvas.com

I've been thinking and talking a lot lately about dreams.

I read this e-book by an amazing author. I started reading it right around the time I began facing the fact that for the past several years, I have been shutting down my hopes and my big dreams. I have been fighting my own heart and my desires because I was so sure that I was unworthy and unprepared. Then I realized something so great:

I am unworthy and unprepared, and that is just the way it needs to be. Because every time I think I have things under control, I am quickly reminded that I don't.

Still, I believe that my God has big dreams for me. I believe that he wants me to use my imagination. I believe that he wants me to explore and delight in what I find and to delight in him. I believe he loves me enough for that. I also believe the he and I both know I'm super unqualified for any of his big plans. He's going to have to do most of the work. I'm going to have to do most of the trusting.

Dreams are intense. They can embitter you if you ignore them. They can enrage you if they are not achieved. They can give you a big head if you spend too much time dwelling on them. They can destroy you or they can elevate you, depending on how you treat them.

For a long time, I've treated my dreams like they were too big, too much. They needed to be shoved down, behind practicality and a whole bunch of boring. I was afraid that if they got too much attention, they would be my downfall. What I didn't see was that, in pushing all of the biggest desires of my heart down and away, I wasn't allowing myself to be challenged, pushed or disciplined. By putting my dreams on hold, I was allowing myself to become lazy and disconnected from any purpose or vision I once had for my life.

Now that I'm in the process of waking up and taking stock of my dreams and what I want in life, everything is changing. I feel like I'm up and moving again after sleeping for 3 years. Some things are easier now, because I have a stronger sense of purpose. I am finally admitting that it's possible that I was made for something awesome. Some things are harder now. I feel vulnerable. If I admit that there is a goal I am chasing, there is a risk that I will never reach it. I feel uncertainty. Yes, I know what I want, but is that the same thing that God wants for me? There is much more trust required of me now that I am finally willing to move forward.

One of the hardest parts about realizing I have a big, hard-to-reach dream is being vulnerable and sharing it. On the one hand, sharing a dream is wonderful. If you find the right people to share it with, there are new levels of encouragement and accountability available to you. There are people in your life that want to see you reach your highest potential and who want to help you get where you want to go. On the other hand, the more I focus on my passions and hopes, the more I find myself coming under certain attack. I find that certain little things bother me, and I easily get sidetracked by petty emotions and roadblocks. Here are some things I need to be working on now:


+ I have to stop buying into the lie of competition and comparison. My dream is mine.
In regards to my particular dream and the means of getting to it, there are a couple other people walking through it with me. When you share a similar dream with others, it's so easy to compare the roads that lead to the dream. It's so easy for me to fall into jealousy and bitterness when a friend of mine gets something I want, even if I'm happy for them at the same time. But the more I focus on someone else, the more I am likely to miss great things in my own life. God is doing amazing things in my tiny little heart, and he has been for quite some time. Now that I'm finally realizing that and seeking him and his heart, it only hurts me to focus on what someone else gets to do.

+ My dream is not more or less important than anyone's.
I always find myself in the weirdest balance here. I teeter so quickly from feeling high and mighty about what I'm able to do...straight into feeling so down about what I can't do. What I'm learning is that both of these thoughts are prideful. When I think so highly of myself and take matters into my own hands, that's prideful. When I fall apart because I didn't do or say the right thing, that's prideful. I am not in control. It is not about me.

+ The path to my dream probably won't look the way I want it to.
I try hard to be realistic, but at the end of the day, I'd really love the path to my dream to be easy and free of roadblocks. It just seems like it would be so nice to take each step forward without any interference or interruption until one day, you're there! You've achieved your dream! Every day I am reminded that any dream worth achieving requires courage, strength and perseverance. As much as I would love to have my greatest hopes fulfilled with no pain, I know it is completely worth it to feel the pain, lean deep into God, and come through it stronger and with a great appreciation for his grace.

There are doors open to me now that I never thought would be open again. There will be doors that shut in my face right when I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. The best part about all this is that I'm not even sure if I could put my "dream" into words. I just know that God has me moving in a direction and walking into a place that is going to stretch me and bring me closer to him. What I consider to be my dream right now may look completely different in 5 years, and that's ok. More than knowing what I'm capable of, more than knowing how much I can do in life, I want to know that through it all, I did my best to listen to God and delight in the journey that he's taken me on.

My Struggle and How Love Will Fix It

I am struggling.

I'm struggling with the world. With people. With myself. With beliefs and lines drawn and red-faced anger and thrown punches.

I'm struggling.

With love. And grace. Mercy. Faith. Forgiveness.

I'm struggling with the way it feels when everyone sees the world in black and white, but mostly I just see grey.
I'm struggling with the way it feels when hatred is the first and easiest thing to come out of our mouths. When love seems buried so deep and unattainable that it may never come out when it feels like it needs to.

"Love" is my word for the year, and God knows I need it.

I need it because things are more tumultuous than ever. There are the big things. There are wars and famine and rape and poverty and sickness. There are small things. Things that don't seem like they should matter so much, but apparently they do. There are accusations and rumors and jealousy and defensiveness and anger.

It's all driving me mad, and I'm struggling.

In 1 John 3, the author says that our hearts can be at rest in the presence of God when we love.

When I see or hear people arguing semantics and theology and ignoring the simplicity of the call to love, there is a physical reaction in me. I'm so uncomfortable with it that I feel it in my stomach. I feel the heaviness of it on my shoulders. It weighs on me and pushes down until I'm slumped over. I feel my chest get tight, and all of a sudden I realize I've been holding my breath. Nothing about these arguments and debates puts me at rest. None of it. No one ever wins. No one is at rest.

I will never convince anyone of my opinion because I speak eloquently or argue harder than the next person. I will never win anyone over to Christianity or Buddhism or Islam or whatever else I wanted to convert people to by beating them down and forcing my opinions on them. The same way a man can't force a woman to love him by raping her. 

Love is what draws people in. Love is what sets people free. Love is what makes people come alive.

Love.

{there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment.}
1 John 4:18

Maybe people push their beliefs so hard because they're afraid to be wrong. They're afraid that what they say they believe right now is going to determine what happens to them forever, so they push and push, hoping that others will affirm them.

But perfect love drives out fear.

Maybe when people feel backed into a corner, they're afraid. And fear can quickly turn into anger. And anger lashes out. Anger thinks that it can force people to change, but that wouldn't be real change. It would just cause more anger and more fear.

Perfect love drives out fear.

I don't know all the reasons people fight so hard to get everyone to think like them. I just know that it breaks my heart when real humans with real, breakable hearts are pushed out of the way for the sake of a cause. When love is present, there is no reason to be afraid. There is no reason to fear judgment or criticism or anger or isolation. When love is the most important, most highly prioritized thing, all else can fade away.

I want to strive for that. More than I want to be right, more than I want to be accepted, more than I want to win people over to my side.

I want to love.

Obligatory Year-End Recap

Well, here it is. The end of 2011.

This year was so good. I feel like I summed up most of it in my anniversary post because a large chunk of my year revolved around my new husband. I've changed and grown so much this year, and it's definitely one I'm going to look back on and smile about. I'm so thankful for what God has done in me this year.

Here are some pictures to wrap it all up.

Marriage!! We got married in December, but really it didn't have time to affect 2011. So let's just throw it into January.

First flowers from the hubby :)

 Brittani, Lacy, me, Bev

In April, we went on a cruise with some of our closes friends. It was so much fun, and we were really blessed by our friends' generosity with that trip.

In May, Lauren and Max came to stay with us and it was amazing. Lauren is super generous and shared her photog talents with us, taking some pictures of us, which we've never really had before.

Also in May, my grandma passed away. She lived with us my entire life and was such a huge part of my childhood. I got to go be with her the week she died and it was one of the hardest decisions I made all year but certainly one of the best. To see her one more time and gain a stronger hold on all my memories of her was really nice.

July was my birthday, and I got my favorite little fluffy thing ever!!! Spricket was my birthday present this year, and I was so excited to get her. She's so tiny and fluffy in this picture. It's ridiculous how much I love her.

September was awesome! I got to fly out to Colorado and see one of my best friends get married!! Lauren and Max's wedding was one of the best parts of my year. That weekend in Colorado, I saw more love and generosity than my heart could handle. I get excited just thinking about it. One day I might convince Rob to move there. So amazing.

In October, we were Barbie & Ken for halloween. It was awesome.

I also got to go on a trip to New York with my mom and brother. We went back to where we grew up and saw all the awesome childhood stuff I love reliving. This picture is my brother and I with our childhood best friends Erin and Carla. We spent the whole day with them talking about our 5-year-old selves and watching Jersey Shore haha.

Nothing really happened in November, but this picture was taken of me. Probably one of my favorite pictures of me ever.

December was great. Rob and I got to travel to Baltimore for some classes for work and take a day off in DC. It was an incredibly beautiful day, and I'm so glad we got to have a day off together to just explore and spend time together.

That's it!! 2011 was phenomenal. This year has meant a lot to me. A lot has happened. A lot has changed in me. I'm so grateful for it all. Here's to 2012!!

One Year

Today is a milestone. It's our one year anniversary!!

This past year has absolutely flown by, I can't even believe it.
It's seriously been one of the best years of my life. It's been a year of love, friendship, laughter. The Kelly that I am today is so different from the 2010 Kelly. So different. So much of that is because of Robert and the amazing man that he is. God knew exactly what I needed when he dropped this funny, caring, kind, patient man into my life.

my god, he's just so good looking.

Marriage has been so surprising and so wonderful. We both realized pretty quickly that it wasn't anything like what we were expecting. I actually have no idea what I was expecting. It's amazing that this year has gone so well considering my extreme naivete about marriage, sacrifice and sharing a life with someone else.

In honor of my favorite year of my life so far, here are some things I love about Rob and some things he's taught me:

+ Forgiveness. Robert is one of the most forgiving people I know. Honestly, part of it may be that he has the worst memory. Ever. But I like to think he's just that amazing. He forgives me so easily for everything, big and small. I can be a pain. I get emotional, I get whiny, I have a conniption if I don't eat when I'm hungry. He always forgives me for my growing pains.

+ Love. Robert loves people. He goes out of his way to make people feel loved and welcome in any environment. He makes people feel at ease, and he loves to love people.

+ Business. He's a genius. He opened an independent garage at 28 after poring over business plans and praying over God's plan for his life for years. He worked hard at other jobs while he was preparing to do something bigger. He runs his business with honesty and integrity, and he's a strong leader. He's a good boss and an incredibly hard worker.

+ Faith. His faith in God inspires me. He knows that God has him and will take care of him. He is faithful to God and steps out in blind faith if God calls him to something. He is generous with what he's been given, and he always acknowledges how God has blessed him.

+ Humor. He. Is. So. Funny. I consider myself a funnier person because of him. This year I learned to think that I am absolutely, 100% hilarious. He and I laugh all the time. He tells fart jokes and political jokes. Sometimes I roll my eyes because he forgets to have a filter, but 90% of the time, I think he's the funniest person I know. Here is proof:

There have been some unpleasant moments in this past year, for sure. I'm so thankful to say that they were few, far between, and very small. I've been stretched and grown this year, but it's been such a huge blessing. I'm so thankful that this man is my husband, and that I get to share the rest of my life with him. This year has been an amazing start.


{all photos taken by Lauren Lankford}

Love

This year, I'm going to embark on the One Word journey. My word:

love.

I've been reading about the One Word project for a lot of 2011, and it's been amazing to see women pore over a word and it's meanings and implications in their life. It's something I want to be a part of.

When I first thought of using the word "love" as my one word for 2012, I felt like it might be a cop-out. Everyone wants more love in their life. Love is such a common, over-used word. We say we love things, places, ideas. We "love" a lot. But I think a lot of the time we love from a half-hearted place. We say we love something or someone and we think that is enough, just to say it.

The dictionary definitions of the word love do not satisfy me. They are not what I'm looking for this year on my journey. What I want is to find real, deep, vulnerable, sacrificial, agape love. Here are some of my first thoughts on my word:

"I want love to be a part of me. I want it to permeate me. I want You to shine through me. I'm so bad at love. It's so easy to forget people, to brush them off, to want to get away. What does it look like to love people? What does it look like on a daily, mundane, practical basis? I don't know, and that's why love is my One Word this year. I want it. I want to explore it, learn it, feel it, know it, become it. I want love. Teach me, Lord. Show me. If I learn love, what will my life look like? How will my words sound? Where will my steps lead? Who will I meet and how will I treat them? What kind of relationships and friendships will I be a part of? How will love change me?"

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{in this life, we cannot do great things. we can only do small things with great love} -mother teresa

{love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star} - e.e. cummings

{love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within} -james a. baldwin

{love rules his kingdom without a sword}

"When Jesus is presented only as the answer that saves individuals from their sin and death, we run the risk of shrinking the Gospel down to something just for humans, when God has inaugurated a movement in Jesus's resurrection to renew, restore and reconcile everything on earth or in heaven." Rob Bell from Love Wins

God has been speaking to me in new and exciting ways lately. This quote is random here but it's one of many that has cased me to open my eyes a little wider and push harder to search for what is true and what God wants to reveal to me. There is a lot of processing and thinking happening right now and a lot of rediscovering what I know and believe. I have plans to grow and change in this space, but I don't think it's smart to begin diving into new territory when I'm just at the beginning. I don't like claiming new things before I've had the chance to really explore them and make sure they align, if that makes sense.

I'm excited for this new season in my life and on this blog. A lot in me is about to change and grow, and I think that during this coming year, I will really begin to grow into the name I've chosen for the blog. I'm hoping, at least.