Waiting to be Revealed

There are so many facets to a personality. There are things we like about ourselves and things we don't. There are qualities that make us seem wonderful and others that drag us down, and no matter what we do, they affect every interaction and reaction we experience. There are so many days where I find myself wishing I could change my personality and become someone else. I tell myself I'm going to worry less, or work harder, or be less emotional.

Last year, I didn't really spend time digging my fingers into my word. I let the year go by without even letting it touch me, this concept of love. I knew I wanted to learn more about it. About His consuming way. About giving out of the overflow. But looking back on it now, there wasn't much overflow for me to give out of.

I've spent a lot of time pushing down my feelings, quelling the desire to be open with others, and generally pushing myself--my heart--away. I've shut myself down just in the hope that no one else would have a chance to. I've been told I'm too emotional, I cry too much, I can't control myself, I need to grow up. I have believed it all, and I've spoken it over myself.

The responsible adult in me wants to point out that there is indeed a time and a place for sharing heartfelt (sometimes ugly, embarrassing) emotions with others, and it's important to be tactful. But the actual human in me wants to scream and cry and dance and jump and flail and collapse in response to the real things happening in my heart. The feels, if you will.

All of this squishing and cramming my emotions down caused some unwanted side effects. You can't kill your feelings again and again and expect them to be intact if it suddenly benefits you to have them. I started to work so hard at not feeling the bad that I ended up losing some of the good with it. I celebrated if I made it through a stressful situation without tears. I judged myself based on how I felt inside, and I would worry so much about what other people thought of my emotions and reactions. And eventually I started to learn that you can't partially kill something. The deep, heartfelt joy will suffocate right along with the grief you're trying to bury. It's all or nothing.

So here I am, one year later, maybe not as well versed in love as I'd like to be, but ready to face a year of identity retrieval. And now I realize that no matter how much I want love to pervade my life, I will not be able to offer to others what I don't already have for myself.  Until I learn that it's ok to be who I am and love myself, I can't really accept all the good, bad, and ugly in others. But the first step in loving myself is knowing more about me.

If you asked me today, "who are you?" my answers would revolve around my job, my husband, my church, what I do, what I own. And those things make up a lot of my day-to-day life, but they do not make up my heart and soul. I believe that God created me uniquely and beautifully, and that He has so much to show me about my own heart. And maybe the most beautiful part in this journey is that in searching to know who God created me to be, I will be better equipped to see, know, and love others.

I imagine the answers to the questions I have will develop like negatives in a darkroom, slowly, gradually, with brilliant results. The time I take to hear and heed the guidance of the Creator will undoubtedly pay off in the end, but it may not bring instantaneous change in my life. Regardless, I'm waiting in eager expectation for God to reveal all He has for me. And I trust that I'm not the only one on this road.

{we know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. not only so, but we ourselves who have the firstfruits of the spirit groan inwardly as we anxiously await our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. for in this hope we were saved} {romans 8.22-24}

{Happy Anniversary}

Our anniversary (December 29th) and Christmas are so close together that I get the feeling we'll always be playing catch-up when it comes to celebrating our anniversary. Which is fine because it's just one day. I do love a celebration, but I want our marriage to be celebrated every day of the year, not just at the mile marker. This year we decided to forgo gifts and take a little trip to celebrate the holidays and our special day. As one of our anniversary gifts, Rob's family got us season passes to the Biltmore house! Essentially, the passes just get you onto the property for free whenever you want throughout the year. So for our special trip, we spent the weekend in Asheville at the Biltmore. If you've never been and you're in the NC area, I definitely recommend it. It's a beautiful property with so much history behind it. I love hearing the stories of the Vanderbuilt family and how they created this space.

We drove up Friday after work through a terrible ice storm (not really, this is only North Carolina), and what should have been a 2.5 hour trip took about 4. But we made it safely! When we got there, we found this awesome movie night care package from Rob's family and a giftcard to go to tea. It was so sweet of them to do so much for us.

This was our Saturday morning view:

So beautiful. On Saturday we went to the actual house and took a behind-the-scenes tour, which was really interesting. We were at the house in October with Rob's family, and we did the general house tour then. It was cool this time to get a special glimpse at what had to happen to make every day run smoothly in a house so big. Just thinking about all the chores makes my head hurt.

That afternoon, we thought we'd take a nice leisurely bike ride around the grounds, so we bundled up and got ready for an hour-long ride. What actually happened was the bike ride from hell. We got lost and ended up biking six miles.Well really half-biking, half-push-your-bike-up-this-huge-hill-omg. It was pretty treacherous and really the only comfort was that we had scheduled horseback riding for the next day. Our butts rejoiced!!

{seriously, this cow was the best part of the bike ride}

On Sunday we went horseback riding, which was amazing! It was super cold out, so I pretty much made every attempt at being warm. No lie, at one point I had on two pairs of socks, boots, long johns, jeans, tank top, short sleeve shirt, long sleeve shirt, two cardigans, sweatshirt, two jackets with hoods, gloves, and a scarf. I'm now a professional layer-er. 

Pancho and I had a great time together. Somehow Rob and I managed to get the two slowest horses they had, so we did a lot of kicking. We had a lot of fun, and it was definitely worth squeezing in last minute.

And finally in the last last minute, we had some tea! They have afternoon tea where you can choose from 9 different kinds of tea and eat a bunch of dainty finger foods that make you feel pretty swanky. And no lie, at the table across from us was a very proper family in proper dresses and khakies and blazers and whatnot. They were super nice, but I couldn't help laughing. Pip pip.

I was not as classy as those people. I had just gotten off a horse and hadn't showered in a while. But that doesn't make a good tea any less enjoyable!

Overall, I'm so glad we got to spend a weekend together doing things we enjoy. We're blessed with a supportive and generous family who helped make this happen, and I couldn't be more grateful!

Favorite Things {2012}

Everyone loves lists, right?

Here's a list of some of my favorite things in 2012. Not necessarily things that were released in the year, but just things I discovered, read, or listened to.

{Books}

+ Dracula : Bram Stoker. If you've never read the old school version of Twilight (just kidding), you're missing out! Suspenseful, frightening, gripping. Obviously it's an older book, and I found the words are more descriptive, the language is deeper, and overall it's very beautifully written. I highly recommend it if you're looking for something fun to read or if you like to escape in a book. It's one of those books where you just have to know what's coming next.
+ Unglued : Lysa Terkeurst. I've always considered myself someone with unusually strong emotions. I feel everything deeply and often my emotions have physical properties, too, which makes everything feel even stronger. There have been many times in my life where my emotions seem to take over and leave me blown over. Lysa teaches how to process emotions in a way that gives you the upper hand and encourages you to get a grip on them before you really need to. So instead of waiting for a stressful situation to come up and test your control, have a plan of attack beforehand.
+ Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close : Jonathan Safran Foer. Oh my gosh, this book. I devoured this book in three days. It's beautifully written and completely heartbreaking. A boy is dealing with the death of his dad and searching for clues to put together a puzzle of sorts that will lead him to more information about his dad's life. It also weaves in stories of his other families members, and it's such a great story about families ties, love, honesty, grief, and moving on. I haven't seen the movie yet, and I'd love to know if it's worth seeing after reading the book.
+ The Crowd, the Critic, and the Muse: a Book for Creators : Michael Gungor. I won't go into much detail here because I did mention this in a list already, but this book is amazing. If you've ever considered yourself a creator or ever wanted to create something (poetry, music, art), you need this book in your life. It's about creating art and the voices we listen to when we create.
+ Beautiful Outlaw : John Eldredge. Recently I heard a bit of controversy about this book and theology within it, but I'm a big believer in the principle: "eat the fish and leave the bones." You can learn something from anything. Just because you read a book doesn't mean you have to adhere to every lesson it teaches. There are lessons to hold onto and lessons to throw away. But I digress. I loved this book. John talks about how we often read the Gospels without taking time to imagine or discern what Jesus' personality was like. I find myself very detached from Jesus because it's hard to imagine him as a real person who lived and walked the earth with quirks and characteristics. His playfulness, his generosity, his humility. He was a real person with feelings and emotions and actions. He is not a list of miracles or a book of words. He is a person who understands who we are and what we feel like. I think I need to read this book again.

{Music}

+ Night Vision : Imagine Dragons. Easily my favorite album of the year. They were the iTunes free single of the week at one point, and after listening to one song of theirs, I decided to get the whole album. I love a band with a unique male vocal, and I love this album for the vocals and for the rhythm of it. There's something about the drum patterns all throughout the album that get to me. I play this most often at work on Fridays because it always lifts my mood and makes me feel like the day is going to be a good one.
+ Babel : Mumford and Sons. It actually took me a little while to really get into this album, but I do love it. Robert and I watched the music video for one of the songs, Lover of the Light, and we really loved the song, which inspired me to buy the whole album. It's been consistently played at work and is growing on me every day. I like that the songs are mostly upbeat, and the talent this band has is amazing. Just listening to them play their instruments is inspiring. And exhausting.
+ Handmade Songs : Tori Kelly. Oh my gosh, this girl can sing! I found out about her when a friend of mine posted a link to this video of her doing Michael Jackson's Pretty Young Thing. The 2:25 mark will change your life. It's hard for me to comprehend how any one person has that much talent. Her voice is pure, and her control over it is impeccable. She's incredibly skilled at guitar, and her songs are beautifully written. Bring Me Home is one of my favorites. She's definitely one of those artists that is so amazingly talented, she inspires me to pick up a guitar and work harder on my vocal skills. She is endlessly impressive, and I want to be more like her. Please go buy her album.
+ Talk that Talk : Rihanna. Nope, I'm not joking. This was definitely one of my favorite albums this year. I don't love all of the radio singles Rihanna puts out, but so many of these songs for me are feel-good, dance around in front of your bathroom mirror songs haha. You guys do that, right? Admittedly, some of them made me feel unclean just listening to them, she can be outright nasty. But mostly it's a fun album, with two songs that I completely loved: We All Want Love and Fool in Love. I think it's worth buying those two songs at least, even if you don't like the rest of her music.

{Miscellaneous}

+ Makeup : Fortunately and unfortunately, I discovered the joy of using high end beauty products this year. There are times when it isn't worth it to buy the most expensive thing, but honestly, a lot of the time, you get what you pay for. Paying for brands like Yves Saint Laurent, Chanel, Urban Decay, MAC, etc. get you the very best in quality and value. I will definitely say that I've been buying way too much makeup this year and am trying hard to cut back, but I'll also say that I feel like it's worth it to spend money on quality items. Check out my Pinterest board for some of the things I've been using this year.
+ Blogs :  I've gotten more into reading blogs this year, and there are some great ones out there. I think my favorite has been Momastery. I love Glennon. She's so real and honest and beautiful. I know she is not perfect and never attempts to be, and I think that alone is worth seeing. Sydney at the Daybook is also a favorite of mine. Her blog has definitely shifted focus over the last year, but it's still true to her. She posts great pictures, wears amazingly put-together outfits, and has an adorable baby. What's not to love? Erin at Reading my Tea Leaves has a great blog full of helpful tips for living in a small apartment and inspiring pictures of little moments throughout her week. Finally, Bleubird has been one of my favorite blogs for a long time. Sometimes it's hard to realize how long you've followed someone until you realize you're watching their children grow up! James is an inspiring blogger, her family is beautiful, and her Bits + Pieces feature is my favorite feature on any blog right now.
+ Apps : How can you make a list in this day and age and not include favorite apps? Daily Audio Bible is a great way to get more of the bible in your life without having to carve out time to sit down and stop everything else. I still think quiet time is awesome, but this app really helps me get into the right mindset for the day. I listen while getting ready in the morning or in the car on the way to work. Rob doesn't love the guy who does the readings because he has a "creepy whisper voice," but I find it calming and pleasant. YouVersion is another great bible app. They have so many pre-built reading plans. I'm currently doing a Canonical plan that takes me straight through the bible in a year. They also have devotions correlating to books and plans taking you through the bible in different time frames. Teux Deux is a great list app. It's simple, straightforward, and clean. If you like making lists, this is a great app to use.

Well that's enough, I think. Congrats if you made it through all that! And let me know what your favorite movies, music, books, etc. were this year. I already have a growing list of 16+ books I want to read this year, and this week I bought 4 or 5 albums with some Christmas money that I'm excited to get into hope. I hope everyone's 2013 is off to a great start!!

New Year, New Word

Identity:
+ condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is
+ the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time

Who am I?

Last year my word was love.
  
I don't know that I learned as much as I was hoping when it comes to love. I definitely learned some things. That love is not easy. That love is not just love on its own. It is also patience, kindness, gentleness, truth, courage. It encompasses much and requires much and is worth it every time.

Throughout the year, I often fell short of my own expectations to love others. And there would be times that I labeled myself as an unloving person.  I would get discouraged and feel like I should be a better person. And throughout the year, I heard over and over that I should find my identity in God and not what I do or who I want to be.

Find your identity in God.

Sounds good.
But how?

Well, I have no idea. That's why identity is my word for 2013. Because it's a journey. One that I have waited too long to embark on.

I know that it starts with soaking up more of Him. In order to learn more about the creation, you should get to know the Creator, right?

I've realized lately that I don't always know who I am. Sometimes I wonder about my feelings and where they came from and how I came to feel them. Sometimes, someone will ask me how I feel about something, and my only response is "I don't know." I don't know who I am. I don't know what I feel or why I feel it. I get nervous when I realize that I believe differently than the people I love. But that's silly because no two people will every feel the exact same way about every topic.

So I'm taking this year to figure it out. Who am I? Who does God say I am? How can I keep that in the forefront of my mind when worry, doubt, and uncertainty all seem to creep in? How do I find my identity in Him?

I'm not sure yet, but I'm excited to see how He shapes me and forms me in new ways this year. I know He is faithful and that if I'm seeking wisdom with a heart that longs to know Him more, He will provide. Here's to discovering new things this year. 

Memorable Moments {2012}

Seriously, what did we do before instagram?
I've never had so many of my day-to-day moments preserved forever. Except for that period of time between the ages of 0 and 5 where everything you do is worthy of being photographed by your family.

Here's a look at my year!

January

Not much activity on my instagram in January. I did get my first ever business cards, though! Pretty exciting.

February

Blake & Caleb came to live with us for a while. They're like brothers to us, so it was great to have them around for a few months. We also did some outreach projects with our church for an event called Love Week that we put on every year as an outreach push. We had a lot of fun planting and renovating with our small group.

March

Took one of my favorite personal pictures ever. Hooray ominous storms. Also began spending time with my lovely friend Rebecca! Rebecca is such an amazing friend and woman of God. I love her, and have felt so blessed all year to have our friendship grow the way it has.

 April

I just like that picture of Spricket. She's kind of perfect.
In April, I read one of the best books I've ever read. Worship Matters is such a great book, and I learned a ton about what it means to be a worship leader and what it means to have a heart for Jesus.

May

My little brother graduated for college! This moment was particularly insane because it meant that I had graduated from college over two years ago. Weird.
We flew to Arizona for Rob's cousin's wedding and spent a weekend in warm, sunny Phoenix. It was such a wonderful vacation.
And I dressed like Paddington Bear one day.

June

I auditioned for American Idol for the first time. It was a fun experience, but I didn't make it. I picked the wrong song. If it came around to Charlotte again, I'd go back.
We flew to Baltimore for some work training classes. Baltimore is so beautiful.
We also deepened our relationship with my Aunt and Uncle this year. They live in Maryland and we were able to stay with them whenever we traveled there. They've been such a blessing to us, giving us a place to stay and food to eat. I'm grateful we have them.

July

I turned 24, and my mom finally sold our childhood home. Such a sad thing to let go of the place you grew up in. I'm glad I moved away from the town I grew up in, but I definitely miss it.

August

I finally visited my mom where she lives in Charleston. I got sunburned so badly, like I always do, no matter what. It was a great trip.

September

In September, our worship team did a songwriting night where we split up into groups and wrote some songs together. It was really excited to work together to come up with something new.

October

We visited the Biltmore house for the first time. I loved it! So much history. Asheville in general is really great, and I'm hoping we get to visit more often this year. We actually just got season passes there for our anniversary, so I'm sure we'll be back up there way more often.

November

My friend Rebecca cut and dyed my hair! It's by far the biggest change I've ever gone through with my hair, and I was a little nervous at first. I really love it. It's actually probably time to get it cut again. It's in that awkward stage where it turns into a triangle if I don't style it perfectly.
I visited my friends Lauren and Max. I had such an amazing weekend just relaxing with them and Pixel. I finished three books (read Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close cover-to-cover in two days) and just enjoyed myself. I'm so thankful I got to go see them.
In general, I had a lot of relaxing and peaceful moments in November. I discovered Kinfolk and spent some days reading through it, decided to start reading through the Bible every year, and Rob and I started praying together a lot more. Definitely an appropriate month for thanksgiving.

December

Ahh Christmas. We had such a great Christmas this year because we didn't have to travel at all! We just got to relax and spend time with Rob's family. I got that awesome book of cat poems (yes, it is amazing), some new music, and obviously that great sweater. This last picture was after dinner, and I was so hyper. It probably had something to do with the amazing sweet potato casserole my sister-in-law made. It undoubtedly had a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. So I was really happy.

2012 was such a great year. I feel like I really learned a lot about myself and marriage and God this year. I've grown a lot and have seen some of what the next steps are to keep growing. I'm thankful for all God's done in our lives this year. We have our second year of marriage under our belt, and we're learning more every day about love and sacrifice and being like Jesus. I have good days and bad days. Bad days where I can't manage to put a smile on my face for anything, and I wish the world would just leave me alone. Good days where I feel like I can do anything and conquer any problem. I've learned more and more this year that God is good no matter what and there is always something to be thankful.

I hope everyone has had a great year. I can't wait to dig into my word for the year {identity} and see what happens in 2013.

:: Life Update ::

Holy moly.

There is so much going on right now! This year has been a season of tremendous growth and stretching for me, and I'm so glad for what God is doing in my life right now. I've had some blog post ideas bouncing around in my head, and I'm still working on them. For now, here's a general update:

:: Robert and I are praying and planning for our next step: a house! We are trying to figure out which direction to move in regarding purchasing or building a home and/or land. We own our own business and for the first two years we had an accountant that was not the best, so our income looks different than what it actually is. So far this has been a problem, and we'll find out in the next week or so if that can be resolved or if we'll have to wait another year to move forward on a home. Honestly, either way, I'm so excited because Robert and I have spent so much time in the last few weeks dreaming and wishing and hoping together for something special. It's brought us closer and sparked a lot of good conversation. I didn't realize until we started going through this process that we can do anything we want! I know that statement is partially obvious, but I truly didn't realize it until recently. I don't have to do the things my parents did and buy the same type of home and live the way everyone else does. We can figure out our own dream and make it happen! It was amazing for me to let that sink in.

::  Last year I participated in OneWord365 (and failed miserably by the standards I was hoping to meet). I didn't write much about my word (love) throughout the year, but it was on my mind quite a bit. I know I've grown in my understanding and practice of love throughout the year. God taught me a ton about love and the importance of loving others throughout the year. I'm not great at loving people, and I get easily annoyed. I'm still not the best at it, but He's definitely been working on me. With all that said, I've chosen my word for 2013: Identity. One thing I've struggled with a lot lately is knowing my own identity and knowing my identity in Christ. I've spent my whole life having labels put on me: sensitive, emotional, smart, funny, tomboy, selfish, incapable. We've all had them, and we still label ourselves and others every single day. These labels are not doing anyone any favors. My goal for 2013 is to remember more often that my identity is in Christ. I so often find myself believing my own labels for myself and not remembering that I am a child of God and that He loves me regardless of anything I do. I am His, and my identity is in Him.

:: For some reason this Christmas season, I'm really wanting to get away from my family traditions. I've been very blessed my whole life, and growing up, my brother and I received so many presents from our family. Every year, I expected more and more from them, and I always treated Christmas as a time to get everything I wanted. I have so many wonderful memories from my childhood that I wouldn't trade for anything, but as I grow up and start thinking about the traditions I want to have with my future kids, this tradition of excess and extravagance (in terms of material things) is not the direction I want to go. This year, God has really started speaking to me about getting rid of our stuff, having less, and living with a bigger appreciation for what we do have. I know a lot of people are going through this right now, and I'm excited to see how different people approach it. Rob and I have been talking about what we want to teach our kids and what traditions we want to have, and I'm excited to start some new ones with him.

I feel like there's a lot going on inside of me right now, and it's really awesome. God is so good, and I'm thankful that I've been in the process of truly opening my heart and eyes to all that He's doing around me. When we really dig in and form a relationship with Him, there is never a dull moment!

Makeover

Hooray!! It finally happened: my blog got a makeover!

Kerry at Throw You a Rose hosted a generous giveaway, and I won :) So she gave my blog a little boost, and you're looking at the finished product!

I absolutely love it. Kerry was so sweet and excited to work with me and got everything done so quickly. You should go check out her business, Spit Image Design.

Thanks again, Kerry!