Monday, April 18, 2011

Giving What's Left

Everything so far has been wonderful. Beautiful.

Growing. Learning. Blossoming.

I'm not sure if I should believe that we are on a cliff or not.  Will there be an end to the knowing smiles, the inside jokes? The poking and prodding, sniffing around new, uncharted ground? Will we tire of this newness, these sensations we've never felt before. Pushing through unknown territory, grasping each other the whole way through.

It's been a beautiful time of discovery and new life. My heart has been broken and mended more times than I can count, and it's only been three months. I'm offered unconditional love and forgiveness on a daily basis, and it is overwhelming and I often can't respond. Breathless. Speechless, so often.

I am unworthy.
But I know I am ready to grow. I know I need to surrender the last bits and pieces of my heart to the One who will help me fully give it and use it to love others, to love my best friend the way he already loves me.

These steps are the hardest for me, but I am at a point where a choice has to be made. I can either draw into myself further and further until I am unreachable and cannot receive or share. Or I can stretch myself to a point dangerously close to breaking until my eyes and heart are truly open to love. Loving others. Loving myself. Loving God. I want more than anything to choose Love, even though the process is trying and promises no earthly reward. My young marriage has taught me that it is far greater to love--even in small steps, with outstretched, unsure hands--than to harbor hurt and anger. And God showed me long before that Love is the way, no matter the cost.

So I'm striving to give what's left behind my walls and defenses. Everything I've got. Everything I've ever had. All of it.

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