forgive me for being all over the place

There is so much going on in my brain that I need to sort out.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't done any real introspection since we got married. I think that's actually true.
Life has been such a whirlwind, and I haven't bothered to take the time to really dig in and think about everything that's going on. It's dangerous.

When I don't step back from my own life and really evaluate and process what's going on, that's when I start to flip out and bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other. A pendulum between inexplicably happy and mind-numbing despair. I am everywhere.

I let each day go by quickly, not taking time to soak it in and experience it. I avoid deep soul searching and only focus on the good things.

I've become so afraid of conflict and mess that I am only satisfied when there is something surface-level "good" happening.

I like my hands clean, my mind clear and my husband happy.
I don't like crawling through the muck to address the issues that are a part of my life every day.
There is a lot of muck in between where I am and where I want to be. A lot of crap to sort through. A lot of emotions to process. A lot of words to speak.

Lord, there is so much I haven't said to You.
There is so much I am trying to hide from You. So much I don't want to bother sharing with You.
I need You wholly, completely, undeniably.

I need You in my every day, my every breath.

I do not allow You to dwell in my every thought, so I struggle with anger and bitterness.
I do not allow You to dwell in my actions, so I look to makeup and material possessions to satisfy me.
I do not allow You to dwell in my words, so I speak harsh and quick, cutting others without even seeing it.

Through all of my confusion, I am not ungrateful.
I praise God today for:
-husband's silly laugh while he shoots teenagers and has fellowship with friends across the country via Call of Duty
-passion pit's weird music
-the strength of the rain that fell today. a deep storm always leaves me in awe
-reflection. the fact that just because i may be wandering a bit aimlessly now, it will not always be this way
-seeing prayer as something strong and powerful. fighting on someone's behalf and asking the Lord to bless and give.