Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Saying Goodbye

It's been a pretty insane month for us. We went on the cruise, had Rob's mom stay with us for a week, had Lauren and Max stay with us for a week, and I just got back from a couple days in my hometown, Greenville.  All of the things we've done and been through in the last month have been great but exhausting. Especially my trip to Greenville.

Last week my mother sent me a text saying that my grandma did not have much time left. She's been living (and deteriorating) with Alzheimer's for years now, and this was just the end of it all. When my mom originally told me, I made the decision not to go see her. In the end, I'm glad I changed my mind because even though what I saw was heartbreaking, my heart is peaceful knowing I was able to say goodbye to the woman I loved and lived with for most of my life. The woman who took care of us. She was so beautiful and fun, and I'm so thankful I was able to spend one last day with her. Here are some thoughts I wrote down while sitting with her. Just some jumbled things:

[i feel the fade of daylight rather than see it. i feel everything now. sorrow, pain, helplessness, guilt, memories of happiness, joy. she is paper thin. her skin brittle and dry. her heart struggling to keep up. her mind, her spirit...somewhere else. she is not the woman i knew from birth. the woman who laughed with me, cried with me, scolded me, shared my pain. memories flood over me. this woman is beautiful, caring, smart, quick, so funny and so stubborn. even now, she holds on to what we all wish she would let go of. she clings to my heart the way she clings to each and every breath. she refuses to let go, and i can't figure out why. is she afraid? what is she holding on to here?]

Anyway, I'm very glad I was able to see her even if she wasn't aware of it. I'm glad I could go say goodbye to her and tell her how much I love her. I'm so glad she's done struggling and holding on. I have so many amazing memories of her and all of her sacrifice for my family. I know I took her for granted when I was younger, but I loved her a lot and am very thankful for her.

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