forgive me for being all over the place

There is so much going on in my brain that I need to sort out.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't done any real introspection since we got married. I think that's actually true.
Life has been such a whirlwind, and I haven't bothered to take the time to really dig in and think about everything that's going on. It's dangerous.

When I don't step back from my own life and really evaluate and process what's going on, that's when I start to flip out and bounce from one end of the spectrum to the other. A pendulum between inexplicably happy and mind-numbing despair. I am everywhere.

I let each day go by quickly, not taking time to soak it in and experience it. I avoid deep soul searching and only focus on the good things.

I've become so afraid of conflict and mess that I am only satisfied when there is something surface-level "good" happening.

I like my hands clean, my mind clear and my husband happy.
I don't like crawling through the muck to address the issues that are a part of my life every day.
There is a lot of muck in between where I am and where I want to be. A lot of crap to sort through. A lot of emotions to process. A lot of words to speak.

Lord, there is so much I haven't said to You.
There is so much I am trying to hide from You. So much I don't want to bother sharing with You.
I need You wholly, completely, undeniably.

I need You in my every day, my every breath.

I do not allow You to dwell in my every thought, so I struggle with anger and bitterness.
I do not allow You to dwell in my actions, so I look to makeup and material possessions to satisfy me.
I do not allow You to dwell in my words, so I speak harsh and quick, cutting others without even seeing it.

Through all of my confusion, I am not ungrateful.
I praise God today for:
-husband's silly laugh while he shoots teenagers and has fellowship with friends across the country via Call of Duty
-passion pit's weird music
-the strength of the rain that fell today. a deep storm always leaves me in awe
-reflection. the fact that just because i may be wandering a bit aimlessly now, it will not always be this way
-seeing prayer as something strong and powerful. fighting on someone's behalf and asking the Lord to bless and give.

Taking the Good and the Bad

Yesterday was a very up-and-down day.

I went to the dentist for the first time in yeeeears (collective gasps all around), and obviously got a horrible report on the condition of my teeth. Horrible, as in there is a root canal in my near future.

Needless to say, I cried a lot.
Well, it's needless if you've met me even a couple times.
I cry.. a lot.

BUT everyone at the dentist was very understanding of my irrational fear of pain and the unknown, and I actually walked away feeling very loved and cared for. How's that for a good dentist.

The whole situation left me feeling stressed, sore and extremely worried about money (we are currently uninsured), and I spent large portions of the day crying over one thing or another.
Thankfully my husband and my mother-in-law are not nearly as concerned as I am. Robert's mom is an amazing woman who has always been so great at taking care of us when we can't seem to get it together, and this is no exception. I can't explain how grateful I am for her.
And Robert of course is a wonderful, loving, encouraging man. While I cried about money woes, he spent time encouraging me and ensuring me that I am not a horrible gold-digger.

I think it's amazing when you can find someone who can make you feel like you are good enough just the way you are but also make you want to strive to be a better person. That's exactly what my husband does for me, without fail. So even though yesterday was full of bad news and bad teeth, I know at the end of the day that I have a husband who is willing to put aside worldly problems and build me up as a woman and a wife.

Love & Respect

We sit side by side, among our closest friends. We all showed up to hear the same message, though it pushes some together and tears some apart.
He and I, we inch closer and closer to each other until we are laid bare, open and vulnerable. Suddenly, without realizing it, we are seeing into each others heart. I am seeing into his mind, identifying his motives, understanding his words and actions. Every word has a new meaning, and I am struck with the idea that our arguments are much more about my own perspective than I had realized.

We walk away changed, encouraged and full of hope. We talk with our closest friends about the little things that we find joy in every day. We laugh for a solid hour, and by the end of the night we know we are stronger and more in love than we were before.

+ + +

We were very blessed to be able to hear from Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, the author of the book Love & Respect this week at our church. He spoke an incredibly powerful message on marriage and communication. I feel like Robert and I both took a lot away from it, and I'm so thankful that we go to a church where the pastor pours into us and brings in speakers with fresh perspective and powerful lessons.

Before and After

So we've been married and living in this apartment for almost 5 months now, and it's gone through various stages of clean and chaotic. Right now, overall, it's chaotic.

I'm weird about cleaning. I have to be in a very specific mood in order to really clean and organize well. So I guess last night I was in the right mood for bathroom organization.

My interest and attraction to makeup has grown so much in the past year. My collection is bigger than it ever has been. I really love makeup, but part of me is ashamed of how much I have. I even sat down last night and tried to get rid of some of the stuff I don't use or is really old. Anyway, here's the small amount of progress I made.

Before:

After:

Tada!!!

Summer Goals

Sooo it's late spring/early summer and my favorite part of the year! Most days are not too hot and nowhere near cold, so I'm happy. Here are some personal goals going into summer:

+ get a macbook pro! I figure if I can save the next 10 small checks I get, we can add to that and afford one! Now that I'm working with Robert at the shop, I think a mac would be a great investment. We could organize everything we need in one space for our personal lives and the business and be done with it. Plus, they're pretty!

+ no more makeup! Right now, I have basically every makeup item I could ever need. I have plenty of blush, eyeshadow, nail polish, lipstick, lip gloss, eyeliner, etc. Too much!! So I need to stop shopping for it. I need to run out of stuff I already have and stop looking at makeup ads and wishing I had more. It's ridiculous. I've never been "that girl" who needs to wear makeup, but the pretty packaging and colors has just begun to appeal to me too much. So no more!

+ be more active! Today I'm going to get a bike! Just a simple mountain bike from wal-mart. Nothing too fancy. We've got tons of sidewalk space around our neighborhood, and biking will be something that gives me some exercise time without killing me. I'm pretty excited.

Saying Goodbye

It's been a pretty insane month for us. We went on the cruise, had Rob's mom stay with us for a week, had Lauren and Max stay with us for a week, and I just got back from a couple days in my hometown, Greenville.  All of the things we've done and been through in the last month have been great but exhausting. Especially my trip to Greenville.

Last week my mother sent me a text saying that my grandma did not have much time left. She's been living (and deteriorating) with Alzheimer's for years now, and this was just the end of it all. When my mom originally told me, I made the decision not to go see her. In the end, I'm glad I changed my mind because even though what I saw was heartbreaking, my heart is peaceful knowing I was able to say goodbye to the woman I loved and lived with for most of my life. The woman who took care of us. She was so beautiful and fun, and I'm so thankful I was able to spend one last day with her. Here are some thoughts I wrote down while sitting with her. Just some jumbled things:

[i feel the fade of daylight rather than see it. i feel everything now. sorrow, pain, helplessness, guilt, memories of happiness, joy. she is paper thin. her skin brittle and dry. her heart struggling to keep up. her mind, her spirit...somewhere else. she is not the woman i knew from birth. the woman who laughed with me, cried with me, scolded me, shared my pain. memories flood over me. this woman is beautiful, caring, smart, quick, so funny and so stubborn. even now, she holds on to what we all wish she would let go of. she clings to my heart the way she clings to each and every breath. she refuses to let go, and i can't figure out why. is she afraid? what is she holding on to here?]

Anyway, I'm very glad I was able to see her even if she wasn't aware of it. I'm glad I could go say goodbye to her and tell her how much I love her. I'm so glad she's done struggling and holding on. I have so many amazing memories of her and all of her sacrifice for my family. I know I took her for granted when I was younger, but I loved her a lot and am very thankful for her.

Some Random Bits and Pieces

+ We've had a constant flow of guests and visitors for the past couple weeks. It's been really amazing getting to see so many people I miss, but I know Robert will be very happy when we can go back to our normal routine of Call of Duty after work for 3 hours :) His routine, really.

+ I just spent way too much money on makeup. But I'm so excited about it. If someone has tips as to how to break a makeup-buying addiction, please let me know.

+ This past weekend was really powerful at church. We began a relationship series, and I know a lot of marriages will be moved by God during it, as well as a lot of individuals. The worship set was amazing, and I think if I knew how to do a back flip, I would have done it on stage. The energy was insane.

+ My nails are awesome. I got a coppery-red shade. It's called Shimmering Mauve which is not accurate at all but beautiful, nonetheless. I love it :)

Obviously, this picture is not an accurate representation of the color, and yet, I chose to put it up anyway. You're welcome!

+ I updated my "about me" or "who I am" page! It doesn't have any new information, but it contains a pretty mortifying picture. Please, go enjoy.